Mad Decent

Dear Jay-Z,

In your song "On to the Next One" you make the bold claim (as this is your nature) that you "have Obama on the text". I can only take this assertion to mean that you have president Obama's phone number, and if this is the case, I implore you Sean (can I call you Shawn?), I verily implore you to give me the president's number.

I will tell you why I need his number.

You see Jay-Z (I think I'm more comfortable with your formal title), I am an artist that lives in Philadelphia. I work in all sorts of mediums, but I primarily favor text-based/graphic arts, though sometimes I paint (poorly), and sometimes I even rap (poorly). Recently I've gotten into making Video Art, and I won't bore you with discussing what Video Art is, or giving you a list of video artists that you should check out because it's all pretty fucking kookie. Just think of Mike Myers' character 'Dieter' in the Saturday Night Live skit "Sprockets". If you don't know what I'm talking about, I'll give you a moment to look it up on youtube…

So did you find it, Shawn (I'm feeling familiar again)?

So yeah, that's Video Art in a nutshell. But you see, me, a guy like myself, I'm a funny fellow. I enjoy making the people of the world laugh because I know that laughter heals all wounds. Imagine how the conflict in the Middle East would play out if the UN air dropped a million copies of Eddie Murphy's "Raw" on the West Bank? I'll tell you what would happen: a lot of hirsute, light brown motherfuckers would be laughing, that's what would happen. Heal the world, make it a better place, right?

You see Jay-Z (you have much too much money to call you by your first name), the thing is, I want to make a piece of video art in which I use news footage of Barack Obama announcing Joe Biden as his running mate, but I want to digitally manipulate this footage and insert Dumb Donald from the cartoon Fat Albert in Joe Biden's place, and have Obama say "People of America! I'd like to announce Dumb Donald as my running mate!" But to make this at all convincing, I'm gonna need actual audio of Barack Obama saying "People of America! I'd like to announce Dumb Donald as my running mate!" And If you truly do have Obama on the text, then you could help me realize a funny art project. 

 I know this may seem an absurd request, but it's really simple Jay-Z. I figure the President could come over to my apartment in Philly, or I can come to the White House with my laptop and use Garageband to get the audio I need from him. I'll even hook him up with a carton of Newports. This whole thing would take all of 10 minutes to complete and Obama could be back on Air Force One in the time it would take for him to spank the shit out of Sasha for back talking.

Anyway Jay-Z, I know you don't know me that well, and after reading this you probably think I'm crazy like my ex-girlfriend does, but I'm not. I'm just your average nigga trying to make a cultural critique with what little means my financial status affords me. Which reminds me, are you looking for an intern? I have all your albums, though I only actually paid for the Blueprint, because that was before you could just type 'blueprint.rar' into google and download it. Well anyway, I truly hope you take this letter seriously and give me Obama's number, I wouldn't share it! At the most I'd just text every 2 months to see how he was doing. A little concern never hurt nobody.

PS: Keep making good music!

PPS: Don't make anymore songs with Linkin Park

PPPS: Why you forget about Freeway?

PPPPS: How much would you charge for a night with Beyonce? Could I pay off the sex with indentured servitude?

PPPPPS: Don't worry, I won't outshine you in the sack, son!