(painting: "How You Like Me Now?" by David Hammons)
I have had the pleasure of meeting some great niggas in my time. Some of the brightest and the best! The all-stars of Niggadom! And please Reader, don’t assume by my use of the word nigga that I’m referring to black males, because that would be an erroneous deed on your part, nigga. Why, some of the bestest niggas I’ve met have been whiter than a dentist’s teeth. Being a good nigga is a lot like Jazz music. It’s something that us black people created and fine-tuned, but a thing white people can easily excel at with a little bit of effort and some marijuana.
One way of being a good nigga is to streamline the world into basic values. Think of the Terminator when he enters that bar at the beginning of T2: Judgment Day. As soon as he walks in he’s sizing up the bar’s patrons to see if they’re the same size as him. “Match” or “No Match”? George W. Bush is fairly similar to the Terminator, but instead of ‘Match” or “No Match”. George W. divides the world into “Terrorists” or “Allies”, and for this ardent simplicity of thought in regard to complex issues of policy, religion, and history, George W. Bush has won the Nigga of the Year award for 8 years straight, sorta like the Meryl Streep of Niggadom. What’s a leaked torture memo to the King of Niggas? Nada my niggas, just some typing on paper. Now Rush Limbaugh, that’s another good nigga. He don’t listen to nobody and he just talks and talks and talks until it seems like he’s going to choke on a little piece of ham from his Cuban flatbread that he forgot finish chewing because that nigga was too busy running his mouth so much. Being a good blowhard is a big part of being a good nigga because niggas DO NOT like to be contradicted and if there is any nigga who can illustrate this desire to never engage into balanced and critical conversation, well, then it would be that nigga Rush Limbaugh.
Now, one of my top favorite niggas is Nicolas Cage, well, he’s more of a cash hungry jigaboo, but for the sake of ease and space, I’ll stick him in with niggas. Now Nick Cage is one of my favorite niggas because he has absolutely none, to a very minimal shred of integrity. Niggas do what niggas gotta do to get by, right Nick? “Hey Nick, it’s Jerry Bruckheimer. You wanna star in Footloose 2: Die Harder? Disney is producing it.” And you know that nigga Nick can’t say no. What, with a castle to pay for and mad Lamborghinis to pay insurance on, that nigga Nick has gotta make a National Treasure movie every 2 years for the rest of his god given days.
Now, one of the illest niggas there ever was would have to be the former director of the FBI, J. Edgar Hoover. Let’s face it, niggas is a paranoid lot. And J. Edgar is paranoia personified. Where as average folks might view the planet as nice place to go about the business of being alive, niggas on the other hand view the world as something akin to Thunderdome, where every participant in life, whether man, woman, child, chipmunk or plant, is out to destroy one another, and J. Edgar knew this. He knew the true nature of the world was “kill or be kilt”, and “keep your niggas close, but keep niggas that talk sideways close as a motherfucker, and keep batty boy niggas far, far away.”
For J. Edgar, it didn’t matter if someone was a communist or simply the wife of someone who snubbed him at a dinner party: enemies was enemies. There was naught a creature that J. Edgar didn’t feel threatened by, and in true nigga fashion he rode on his enemies with undiscriminating efficiency. Using COINTELPRO, he spied on average citizens who’s loyalties he thought questionable, broke up marriages, spread disinformation and infiltrated many a social organization he didn’t dig and ripped them apart like a guest at a house party who only showed up to break shit and pee on the host’s toothbrush. Way to go nigga! J. Edgar even thought that Dr. Martin Luther “Ghandi” King Jr. was gonna incite a Black Revolution in the United States, so he spied on dude for almost 2 decades. Damn son, I mean, c’mon, it’s Martin Luther King, he just wanted us black folks to get a fair shot at life, not tar the White House and sacrifice crackers on the White house lawn while black children beat on nyabinghi drums to the beat of KRS-ONE’s ‘Black Cop’.
Man, I tell you, some niggas is crazy.
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