"I only been a good nigga for a minute though…"
-Raekwon the Chef
"Your Honor, Ima changed man!"
-Mack 10
NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION 2010
1. Cut back on drinking.
2. Or, if I lack the discipline to adhere to Resolution 1, I will commit to the opposite route and drink like a motherfucker, drink like the proverbial fucking avalanche, drink like the ball in Katamari Damacy, steamrolling any foolish creature, sentient or unthinking, with the audacity to cross my path. I could become a lovable imbecile of a drunk like Barney from The Simpsons, or become one of those insightful drunks, the type of drunks who seem poetically clairvoyant, eloquently (although with a bit of a slur) assessing someone else's problems while intoxicated, though if you were to look down at their pants it would most likely be covered in fresh urine.
3. Find a true and lasting love.
4. But since real life isn't the Princess Bride, the chances of Resolution 3 occurring are slim to none. 2010 is the future people and its time to face the music of the future, which is a new genre called: REAL LOVE DOES NOT EXIST. They have it right in India, "Rajesh, this is Manali, Manali, this is Rajesh. You two are now married, also, enjoy your first day of kindergarten." Being aware of the nonexistent nature of romantic love, I shouldn't worry myself with all that kooky emotional dependency icky relationship crap and I should therefore follow the advice of a wise philosopher named the Rebel INS and “run through bitches like Emmitt Smith”. I'm paraphrasing of course. Oh, and ladies, don't get it twisted, you should run through bitches like Emmitt Smith as well. Cuz in Oh-Ten: LADIES YA’LL NEED TO BUST THEM NUTS! I'll be alongside you busting my nuts like fireworks on the 4th of July in the summer after 9/11 when the US was on some "We are going to fuck Afghanistan in the ass." type shit. Basically ima bust nuts with conviction and voracity.
5. Fuckit, get that Death Eater tattoo I wanted to get after reading the Goblet of Fire.
6. Eat healthy.
7. Be smarter about drugs. Basically I need to realize that no matter how much I enjoy listening to ‘This Charming Man’ while on mushrooms, Morrissey's voice will never give me the ability to ride my bicycle up a wall. I mean it's definitely fun to try and all, but ultimately there's something sad about trying to defy scientific law without adequate technology. Do you think the Ewoks would've been able to tackle the storm trooper garrison on Endor without the help of the Rebel Alliance? Those Ewok slingshots and rams and shit were cute and provided a good distraction for Han while he was blowing up the shield generator, but without blaster fire them Ewoks would've been coats, son.
8. Cut down on masturbating. After years of onanistic special time between me and the L’il Guy™ (also known as my penis), I've definitely run through my first round draft pick semen. Shit, probably even shot through my second and third. I've spent much too many a twilight hour perusing the internet searching for the perfect porno mpeg to lure what could've been my talented ass Jennifer Hudson seed from out the depth of my loin just for it to land onto my ashy right hand like some sad beached whale. I really need to cut back on this shit because I really, really don’t want to work after I hit 40, and the surest way of making this happen is by having a gifted child and right now I’m pretty sure the only sperm left in me are the Rob Schneider type Kato Kaelin cast of Jersey Shore spermses. Which leads me to Resolution 9:
9. My nigga, stay off the internet, or:
10. Find a way to have sex with the internet. (Note to self: watch Weird Science for possible research pointers.)
11. Make mad money.
12. Call Mom more.
Total Comments: 2