Having a good bed is an essential part of depression. You’re going to be spending a lot of time in bed when you’re depressed, mulling over the things that make you the unhappy camper that you are, so make sure that your bed is somewhat durable. During depression, your bed will become your headquarters so I recommend giving your bed a cute little nickname. I simply call my bed ‘HQ’. A functional moniker but not too striking, so I suggest you be a bit more creative than me. Some nice bed nicknames that I’ve thought of are The Pentagon, Briar Patch, Cape Fear, Rapunzel’s Lice, Pee Palace, The SS (Sad Sepulcher), and Texarkana.
So now that you’ve got a semi-functional identity for your bed, it’s time to figure out where to place the bed in your room. I suggest putting it close to a window. A bed with a nice view will be a boon upon your blue days my friend. It’s nice to look out into that big old ball of chaos we call the world from inside your little cave (your room) and think of all the wonderful things your missing out on by staying in bed. Oh! There goes your soul mate! But they’ll never know you were ever alive because you were in bed gazing at them as they walked beneath your apartment window. The view from my bed looks out onto the back of an unused warehouse over come with dead vines. It’s very nice. There are a lot of grand concepts about life that the vines make me think of, like man vs. nature, man vs. himself, the inevitable collapse of human civilization, the decaying quality of the human interaction, perfidy, AIDS, the validity of the Illuminati, and does Snuffleupagus have a penis or his is trunk just one giant cock? Well… is it?
Ah, some questions will never be answered I guess. In any event, the next step after you’ve found a good place for your bed is to take the sheets off of your mattress. Now, now, don’t argue with me, just do it. If you’re lucky and you purchased your mattress from discount bedding store like myself, then your mattress will be of a very low quality and thus very abrasive without any sheets on it. Don’t worry though Princess, this pea is good for you! The abrasive (and most likely highly flammable) mattress is meant to remind you that you should never get lulled into a false sense of security, ever. The abrasiveness of the mattress will be the infidelity of the person you were in love with, the losing of that job you thought would be your career, your cat dying the same day you bought it a new collar. Life is full of sucker punches to the kidney and your mattress will be your constant reminder of this fact. Remember, Don Flamenco may have a rose in his mouth right now, but he’s just waiting for the moment you drop your guard so he can fuck you up like an emotionally vulnerable wack-a-mole.
Okay kids, I think I’ve run my mouth enough for this week and I’m tired of sitting at my desk typing. I’m gonna head back to HQ, drink a bottle of rosé by myself, gaze out of my window and ponder the deeper facets of life.
Now… if Snuffleupagus’s trunk is in fact one giant dick, does that mean that every time Big Bird touches it he’s really just giving Snuffy a handjob? Yuckies!
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