In between writing the many drafts of my suicide letter (…for whom can stand wholly measured against the tempest that is life today… NONONO! That fucking sucks!), like I said, in between writing the many bad drafts of my suicide letter, I consider myself to be an artist. I have a black beret, a wonderful smock and a 64 set of Crayola Crayons that I use when I go about the process of art making. A few years back, I recall seeing that Red Bull had an exhibition consisting of all the wonderful art-objects that you can make with an empty can of their energy drink. Normally, I put Red Bull into a cup of vodka and rub my semi-erect penis against women at nightclubs when R. Kelly’s ‘Ignition Remix’ comes on, but this exhibition by Red Bull forced me to rethink the uses a can of Red Bull might yield. So as I sit at home with a half-finished bottle of rosé wine and another draft of my suicide letter off to the side (…for whom can stand wholly measured when one’s will to be is muted by the inertia of a callous world… JESUSFUCKINGCHRIST! That’s horrible!) Anyway, as I sit at home inspired by Red Bull’s corporate foray into the world of art production, I am conversely inspired to make an artist’s foray into the world of corporate drink production. So I now present to you my list of New Red Bull infused Drinks:
1.9-11 Malt Liquor. Possible Ad Copy: “9-11 Malt Liquor: Strong Enough to Knock You… and a Friend Down.” Hey, I think I’m good at this! Watch out Madison Avenue!
2.Douche Bag Ale: Possible Ad Copy: “DOUCHE BAG ALE! WHEN YOU LIVE LIFE AT THE SPEED OF AWESOME, YOU NEED A SPECIAL TYPE OF FUEL! DOUCHE BAG ALE! DON’T LET THOSE FAGGOTS CATCH UP TO YOU!” Goooooaaaaaaal! I’m like the new Midas of Marketing™!
3.Fight Juice: Possible Ad Copy: “It’s like drinking punching a nigga in his mouth for no fucking reason whatsoever!” Yes, I know. I am good.
4.CIVIL RIGHTS? NO!: Possible Ad Copy: “ Exhaustion is like a peaceful protest for voting rights, but CIVIL RIGHTS? NO! is like 15 high-pressure water hoses pushing Exhaustion down the sidewalk toward certain doom! Get back in the game, dude!” Ka-ching!
Fiddlesticks! I’m a natural at this! Whodathunk? It’s time to toss out my beret and crayons, actually, I’ll still need my crayons to write my resume and suicide letters, but still, it’s goodbye art and hello money! I’m tapping my knuckles upon Success’s door!
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