Damn homie, in high school you was the man, homie.
What the fuck happened to you?
- 50Cent
The other day, upon exiting a Wawa*, my simple mind focused upon the Family Sized portion of macaroni & cheese I had in hand, I found myself accosted by some common homeless riffraff! This bold urchin, a creature with an odor like that of Beelzebub’s scrotum, spoke unto me. He said: “D’you got any change, man?” I responded with my city conditioned auto response: “Sorry man.” And kept on walking, but upon my fifth step I stopped and turned around, taking inventory of this poor cretin, this bold urchin, for something struck me as amiss with this fellow. “Something’s not right.” I thought, “What could it be?” And then hit me like the time traveling bullet that struck Lincoln, Kennedy, and Malcom X dead (what a bullet!): why, this homeless person was white! But it wasn’t that he was white that was so odd, but rather it was that he was so young, a lad in his early 20’s. I approached this young man and I said unto him “What’s your problem?” “Huh?” he said, “I, I’m homeless, man.” “Well I can see that young fellow, but WHY are you homeless?” I inquired. “Dude, I don’t get you…” he said, with a confused furrow in his soot filled brow. “WHY are you homeless good sir! You are young and white! Your current station makes no sense!” “Fuck you, dude, I don’t need this shit…” “Young and white! Begging on the street! Young and white! You’re supposed to be ruling the planet, boy!” “Seriously man, get the fu-“Young and white! Begging on the street in Chinatown, with a tattooed face and a Crass t-shirt on!” “FUCK OFF asshole! You’re a fucking dic-“Young and white! You should be in one of those high rises over yonder, reading annual reports, deciding the fate of the world, or sending parcels of AIDS hidden inside of Boost Mobile cellphones to the ghetto, or secretly using FEMA for various arcane social experiments on Katrina survivors, or rehashing last night’s episode of Grey’s Anatomy with your coworkers over a pint of Sam Adams at some bar named the ‘Blarney Stone’, or ‘Finnegan’s Wake’, or the ‘Donkey’s Arse’!” “Dude, I’m gonna kick your fucki-“Young and White! You should be-” It was then this creature for whom life has only deposited misery upon, made an attempt to steal my macaroni & cheese from me. And this my friends, is simply unacceptable. Having just watched ‘Marked for Death’ starring a Steven Seagal in his prime, I was ready for such an occurrence, because after all, as civil as one may be, it is still the big city and one must always be prepared for some rapacious hoodlum to pounce upon them. So as this ragamuffin lunged for the macaroni & cheese I had just purchased, I took firm hold of his arm while simultaneously side stepping him and summarily broke this bold urchin’s arm because there is no fucking way in hell that a white devil is going to feast upon a Black God Allah’s mac & cheese.
* a sorta 7-11ish place for those of you not from Philadelphia
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