Mad Decent

In light of the controversy surrounding my 'Niggas' column from a few weeks back, and also because it is Black History Month, I've decided to use this week's column to highlight the achievement of a hitherto overlooked hero of Black History.

Many aeons ago, a time so far in the past that it almost seems like the future, the once bountiful world of Thundera came under great assault. The mutants of the planet Plun-Darr, a neighboring planet of Thundera, used their dreaded Sword of Plun-Darr to destroy Thundera in a final decisive strike that forced the last remaining Thundereans to flee their beloved planet in the few space faring vessels left on the planet that could take to the stars.

Jaga the Wise, Tygra, Cheetara, WilyKit and WilyKat, child lord Lion-O, Snarf, and the ingenious Panthro, travelled many light years until they came upon Third Earth, the only planet within reasonable distance of Thundera that had an atmosphere that could sustain the displaced Thundereans. But Lo! The Thunderean's arrival upon Third Earth was fraught with disaster! Their starship was destroyed when it crash landed on the planet's surface and Jaga passed away during the long journey to Third Earth as he decided to pilot the ship instead of sleep in stasis chambers as the rest of the Thunderean's did, arresting their aging process.

The Thundereans. From left to right, Tygra, Snarf, Panthro, Lion-O  WilyKit, Cheetara, and WilyKat (Not pictured: Jaga)

Now most historical documentation detailing the Thunderean's early exploits on Third Earth focus solely on the child lord Lion-O's journeys with that damn Eye of Thundera and the Sword of Omens, and this, brothers and sisters, is racism at its finest while simultaneously illustrating western civilization's obsession with the penis and its many phallic derivatives such as the Sword of Omens. But that is a topic for another column. So like I was stating, all we are left in the present are basically a bunch of stories that go "Lion-O this, Lion-O that." "Lion-O freed the Berbils" "Oh! We have to save Lion-O from Mumm-Ra (again)!" All of this bullshit about some cracker ass Lion-Man, while the true genius of the Thundereans, Brother Panthro, the only Thunderean of African descent, has gone entirely unnoticed by even the most astute historians, a mistake which I believe to be intentional. 

It was Panthro, using only mere scraps from the crashed Thunderean starship, who built the Thundertank! It was Panthro, who outfitted the Thunderean's castle, the Cat's Lair, with a majority of its technology, and I'd even go as far as to say that Panthro probably designed the fucking Cat's Lair, but racist historians attribute its design to cracker ass Tygra, who in all honesty doesn't exhibit any technological expertise in any other of the historical accounts we have today. (and considering the fact that Tygra's weapon was a bolo-whip, I can see why historians would want to misrepresent Panthro's involvement in the construction of the Cat's Lair. Brothers and sisters, we all know what you call a white man with a whip, right? Why would massuh let his negro servant get the credit he deserves, right? And 'Tygra' sure does rhyme with 'massuh' don't it?)

And despite the fact that Panthro, a black man of exceptional scientific expertise that far exceeds that of even the famed George Washington Carver, built the Thundertank with simple junk parts, the rest of the Thundereans made Panthro be the DRIVER OF THE FUCKING THUNDERTANK! They made him a fucking chauffeur! What kind of shit is that? Where else in history do you see this kind of hypocrisy? Did you ever see Lee Iacocca drive Chrysler car plant workers around? Does Wolfgang Puck ever bus tables? Did either one of those contemptible George Bushes ever offer to even so much as light a White House page's cigarette? How many times must black men be the "Hokes" to countless Miss Daisies?

Though I've detailed Panthro's intellectual expertise, I wouldn't want you to think he was simply a man of strong mind but weak body, because that is not the case. Panthro could fuck someone up real proper like. Rather than list his various physical achievements, I will allow "new media" to illustrate Panthro's strength. Please pay attention to what occurs between 1:51 and 1:59.

And the kids nowadays think Kimbo Slice is something? Pshaw!

The story of Panthro is a story of great hypocrisy indeed, but sadly a story that is not unfamiliar to African-Americans. So as Black History Month quickly comes to its end, let us not forget Panthro, one of the many Unsung Heroes of Black History.